I don't know what it is about my personality but I hate losing. I mean I hate it with a passion. Ever since I can remember I have always wanted to be on the winning side...of everything! Growing up I hated being picked towards the last of the bunch, I hated losing hockey games, I hated losing arguements. I just hated to lose, period. I would get so mad and frustrated at myself for not being able to perform better or be smarter or be better than the person next to me. It drove me nuts. My anger would cause me to do some pretty stupid things because of it. It's not that I think that I was that bad at things that I often lost, but when I look back at those I compared myself to, I was just among a better class of person that I was trying to compare myself to. And the standards at which I compared myself were not my strongest attribute despite how desparately I want them to be. Even when I joined the Army seventeen years ago, I was no different, hell, even today I don't like coming in second. I consistently strive to out perform those around me, be the most knowledgable in my field and make sure that I've established myself as the one who knows and can do everything. The difference between growing up when and where I did and my time so far in the Army is that the Army has seemed to play to my strengths. I have had, by all rights, an extremely successful career up to this point. I consistently out-perform my subordinate, peers AND superiors (no not all of them, but most of them). My list of accomplishments list from being the youngest National Guardsmen (at the time anyway) to ever graduate from Tank Master Gunner School at the age of 23, consistently being the student in my courses to out-do everyone of my classmates and establish myself as the Soldier who has the answers. I've even been on the fast track for all of my promotions, only slowing down in the last few years because of my family choice (and I'll get into some of that at another time) and because of career longevity rather than accomplishment. But it's been only recently that I've come to realize that being the guy on top isn't necessarily the definition of winning. In fact I've learn to except losing and even tieing (once in a while).
In the book, "The Leadership Lessons of Jesus" by Bob Briner & Ray Pritchard that these blogs have been about, this chapter is dedicated to understanding wins, losses and ties. But as I've sat and thought about it, the bigger point behind the scenes is the lesson of patience. In Mark 4:1-9, Jesus is talking to the crowd about sowing seeds and how widely spreading them will yeild the good and the bad, the win and the loss, and the deep and the shallow. He finishes by saying that those seeds that fall on good soil will yield thrity, sixty even a hundredfold. The thing that I need to understand is patience in waiting for that small percentage to yield the good and the fact that when the harvest is ready (on God's time not mine), the work will be done by few. But I can't wait that long, can I? I dedicated, focused and intentional about what I want when I want it. I have to have victory now or suffer at the hands of defeat and walk away disappointed in my performance. This is where I need to look at how Jesus accepted the win, the loss and the rain delay.
Even with God's perfect plan laid out, even He knew that He would not win everyone. In fact He's seen more than once where the harvest has been miserable. But was it His desire to walk away mad and disappointed at His performance? Absolutely not, see, he still had the ace up His sleeve and dropped it on the table at just the right time. He sent His Son in human form to live out a perfect life and in doing so, pay the price for my disgusting life. And it's only because God IS perfection that He call that play in His playbook and come out on the winning side (by the way, if you haven't figured it out yet - He'll always be on the winning side, hint, hint). But even when Jesus was walking among us, even He realized that He wasn't going to always win the immediate fight. Look at those times when Jesus called someone to follow Him and how many of them turned to take care of there own lives first and He had to cut them loose. The rich man and the son who lost his father. Jesus knew that these people weren't ready and therefore didn't chose to pick His battle with them at that time. See, Jesus understood the meaning of a rain-delay and the meaning of a defeat; moreso than He did a win. He understood that you can't win all the time. It's just not possible but He was ok with it because He knew that it wasn't going to be a total loss. Oh, sure, He knew that some souls He would never capture, He even tells us that there will come a day when those who chose not to follow and repent and live a life for themselves would be weeping and gnashing there teeth. But for many he knew that this loss was only temporary, in fact, it wasn't a loss yet, just merely a postponement due to circumstances.
The problem I face when I think I've lost, often times is that I can't see past my own selfishness to see that this might just be one of those times when the game has just been called on a count of rain. I have to be cognicent of those time and remember to reschedule the game for another day. If I don't, I may as well consider it a loss already. The difficulty I face is knowing which ones will be those delays. I may not even know which ones will be wins and even losses. Only God, in His perfect timing, will know whether I've won or not.
Since I've been over here, I have put together everything I've needed to start up a Men's Ministry group called the "Band of Brothers"(c) (not based on the HBO series but on the speech from Shakespear from Henry V). I've spent hours coming up with the study material for this men's group and have sunk a lot of my personal time getting this thing ready. About four weeks ago I put out fliers advertising this group, creating a little bit of my own information campaign. Within days I had about thirteen men who had contacted me stating that they were interested. Two Sunday's ago, we had an informational meeting and only six people showed up. I knew that I already had a few who couldn't make it but I also had some that I had no idea wouldn't show. But as it was just for information and kind of a question and answer session, I brushed it off as those others didn't have any questions. So, last Sunday was to be our first meeting. I got everything ready, reserving a small room in one of our dining facilities to have these men gather where we could dig into this thing and enjoy some (hopefully) really good fellowship over a meal. I had even arranged the tables in a diamond pattern so they could see that everyone here is an equal and that there would be no one but Jesus sitting at the head of our table (kind of a King Arthur concept, the whole Knights of the Round Table thing). I had everything set...only two people showed up. I was completetly decimated. I knew that we had a lot of activities happening that day as this was the day we set for our fourth of July celebration but I had no idea that none of these people would show up. But, pressing forward I decided to have faith. I told the two guys that we would just sit and have a meal together and just talk, that we'd pick up our first lesson next week. So, I finished up my meal and went to church, praying and talking to God the whole way. I told Him that I was not going to give in and be defeated by this temporary set back and that I believed that He wants me to do this but maybe just not on my time. I said that I wasn't going to lose faith and would continue this next week because I believed that God would have His hand in this and that it would produce good crop from this seed.
Well, Monday morning arrived and I went in to work. Throughout the day I had almost everyone of those men look me up and apologize for not being there but that with everything going on they just needed a break but that this coming Sunday they would be there. I even talked with two other men who said that they were interested and asked if I had room for them. I told them what had happened and that absolutely, there was a spot for them. After going back thru my notes for this lesson, I saw God truly teach me the lesson of winning, losing and calling the game on account of rain. I saw where my own selfish timing got in the way of other's who may have needed a break only because I felt that I was doing such a great thing to give God some glory. I let my ego get in the way of His timing. Only time will tell if I am to have some more patience or if God truly believes that this is His time to start this group. God, I know you're listening, may your will be done...
